When we start feeling pain during sex, we are tempted to push through and often end up faking it. And when this happens repeatedly, sex becomes something the body learns to brace for. We often say ‘yes’ when our bodies want us to say no. We smile even when our body is tense or hurting. We pretend we’re fine when there’s pain. Or sometimes, when we feel nothing, we act as if we feel pleasure or are “into it” when in reality, we’re dealing with shutdown.
Maybe you’ve found yourself faking it just to “get it over with,” convincing yourself that this is part of being a good wife. Maybe you’ve stayed quiet because you’re not even sure how to explain what’s going on in your body. Or maybe you’ve felt broken for so long that pretending feels easier than facing the reality of not actually enjoying this. But listen:
Faking it doesn’t protect your relationship. It weakens your connection and isolates you.
It keeps your body in a state of fear and pain.
It keeps your mind from believing you deserve pleasure.
It keeps your heart from being known.
It keeps your husband from truly understanding what you’re walking through.
Of course we want to be genuine. Of course we’re not trying to hide things from our partners…
So Why Do We Get Stuck Faking It?
There are so many reasons why we might, but here are a couple of common ones:
- We think it’s our “wifely duty.”
Maybe you were told growing up that sex was something you owed your husband—a spiritual obligation or duty rather than a shared experience and connection. - We don’t want to hurt his feelings.
You care about him. You love him. And the last thing you want is to make him feel unwanted or inadequate. You also don’t want to cause problems in your relationship. - We feel broken and want to hide it.
When your body doesn’t respond “normally,” it’s easy to believe you’re the problem. Faking becomes a way to avoid shame or feeling like a burden. The shame makes you feel like you should be able to figure this out by now, and pretending is easier than facing the ache of it not working. - We were never taught that we could say no.
Boundaries weren’t healthily modeled to you. You heard from media, culture, or religious circles that saying “no” is selfish, or you were never given permission to say no growing up. So you freeze, comply, or shut down.
You were never meant to sacrifice your body for someone else’s comfort. And doing that does not help the pain or the relationship improve.
What If Honesty Is What Brings You Closer?
So many women believe that faking it protects their partner. That if they just keep him happy, everything will be fine. But that kind of intimacy is built on fear, not trust.
What if your husband wants you, the real you, not a version of you acting like everything is okay or feels good?
True intimacy can’t happen without truth.
And yes, the truth can be messy. It can feel vulnerable and scary. Especially when your pain feels hard to explain or when you’re not even sure what’s going on in your body yet.
But here’s what truth can look like:
- Saying, “Hey, I’ve been experiencing some pain. I want us to work on this together.”
- Letting your husband see your struggle—and your desire to heal
- Being honest when sex feels uncomfortable, painful, or overwhelming
- Honoring your body’s signals of ‘no’ and trusting that your ‘yes’ will come from safety, not pressure
This kind of honesty invites your partner into your healing, not just to fix everything, but as a companion to walk through this with you.
And it also gives your body a chance to exhale, to unclench, and to stop performing and start feeling.
Because healing from vaginismus or any form of painful sex requires safety. And safety doesn’t come through faking. It comes through telling the truth in love. Healing starts with telling the truth, with giving your body permission to stop performing, and with trusting that your “no” matters just as much as your “yes”—and that both can exist in a God-honoring marriage.
From Pretending to Partnership
If you’ve been faking pleasure, faking interest, or faking comfort, this is your sign to stop.
Not because you owe anyone an explanation.
Not because you’re giving up.
But because you deserve real intimacy. Not a performance. Not pressure. Not shame.
If you’re navigating vaginismus, honesty is a doorway to healing. It’s not about blaming or criticizing. It’s about allowing your partner to see the real you and inviting him to walk with you in a new way.
Because when you stop forcing it, you start feeling.
When you stop hiding, you start healing.
And when you speak your truth in love, you encourage realness.
You don’t need to perform or prove anything. You need to be known.
If you’re ready to start healing from the pain, our Mind-Body-Sex Reset program is a safe place to begin. You’ll get the tools, support, and faith-based guidance you need to reconnect with your body and pursue intimacy without pressure or pain.