Let’s be honest, discussing painful sex with your spouse kinda feels like stepping into an emotional minefield… You worry about disappointing your spouse, feel unsure if your pain is “normal,” and even struggle with guilt for bringing it up at all. It’s an incredibly vulnerable conversation—one that can stir up fears of rejection, misunderstanding, or even shame. If you’ve been avoiding this discussion, know that you’re not alone. Many women struggle with these same feelings, and it’s okay to feel nervous. But it’s also okay to hope for understanding, support, and real solutions.
When we avoid this conversation, we tend to experience emotional distance, resentment, and unnecessary suffering. God designed intimacy as a gift for both husband and wife, and honoring that gift means addressing the difficulties with honesty, grace, and teamwork. Your pain matters, and your marriage deserves a foundation of open, loving communication where both of you feel heard and valued.
Why Discussing Painful Sex Feels So Hard—And Why It Matters
Many of us women grow up in faith cultures where sex is discussed in terms of purity, duty, and submission but rarely in terms of pleasure, consent, and mutual enjoyment. When sex has been framed as something a wife just “gives” to her husband rather than something both spouses should experience as a blessing, it’s no surprise that discussing painful intimacy feels daunting. We often don’t believe that we deserve pleasure and ease with sex as much as he does, which often makes us feel like we need to push through the pain and ignore it.
If this resonates with you, please hear this: your pain is not a burden. Your needs and emotions are just as important as his, and intimacy should never be something that causes you to suffer in silence. When left unspoken, pain—both physical and emotional—creates distance.
But when shared with honesty and vulnerability, it opens the door to deeper connection, understanding, and healing. God calls couples to love each other deeply, which means addressing the hard things together. As Ephesians 4:15 reminds us, we are to “speak the truth in love.” Being honest about your pain isn’t complaining or burdening your spouse—it’s actually an act of love that fosters deeper connection and healing.
Before Discussing it With Your Spouse…
One of the biggest mistakes women make before bringing up painful sex is not processing their own emotions first. When pain lingers, frustration builds. You might feel overwhelmed, scared, or even ashamed—but without identifying these emotions, it’s easy for the conversation to come out as blame or avoidance rather than a productive discussion.
Before approaching your spouse, take time to reflect:
- What exactly am I feeling? (Frustration, sadness, fear?)
- What do I need from this conversation? (Reassurance, teamwork, solutions?)
- How can I frame this in a way that prioritizes connection over conflict?
Approaching the conversation with clarity and a heart of partnership helps them listen without feeling like they’re failing you.
A simple but effective way to open the conversation is: “I love you, and I want us to have a marriage where we can share everything—even the hard stuff. Can we talk about what intimacy has felt like for me?”
How to Approach the Conversation with Honor and Honesty
Initiating a conversation about painful sex is pretty intimidating, but approaching it with love, respect, and an invitation for teamwork can make all the difference. Here are three practical steps that will set you up for a transparent and intimate conversation:
1. Start with Gratitude & Reassurance
Your spouse may initially feel unsure of how to respond. Reassure them that this conversation is not about blame; it’s about growing closer.
Example: “I love being married to you, and I love our intimacy. That’s why I want to talk about this—because it matters to both of us.”
2. Use “I” Statements while Discussing
Instead of saying, “Sex with you hurts,” which can sound like blame, try: “I’ve been feeling discomfort during intimacy, and I want to work together to figure out how we can make it better.”
This keeps the focus on partnership rather than fault and makes it easier for your spouse to hear and support you.
3. Choose the Right Time & Setting
Bringing up painful sex in the middle of frustration or right before intimacy can create tension. Instead, choose a relaxed time when you both feel emotionally connected.
Example: “I’d love to talk about something important to me, and I want to make sure we’re both in a good space. Can we set aside time to chat this weekend?”
What If It Doesn’t Go Well?
If your spouse reacts with defensiveness, hurt, or avoidance, don’t panic. Lots of men feel pressure to be “good” at sex and intimacy, so hearing that their wife experiences painful sex can trigger feelings of inadequacy. If the conversation doesn’t go well, try these steps:
- Give it Time & Try Again – Sometimes, a spouse needs time to process. You can revisit the conversation with gentleness: “I know our last conversation was hard, but I don’t want to leave it unresolved. Can we try again when we’re both ready?”
- Seek Wise Counsel – If the conversation keeps hitting a wall, consider seeking wisdom from a trusted mentor, therapist, or faith-based counselor. Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Having an outside perspective helps provide clarity and guidance for both of you.
- Pray & Invite God Into the Conversation – If emotions are high, take a break and turn to prayer. Ask God for wisdom, patience, and the right words to express your needs in a way that strengthens your marriage.
Talking about painful sex isn’t easy, but it’s so necessary. When approached with love, honesty, and patience, this conversation can become a turning point in your marriage—one that leads to deeper intimacy, better communication, and a relationship that reflects God’s heart for both of you. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Your pain matters, your voice deserves to be heard, and your marriage is worth investing in. You and your spouse are on the same team, and working together in this lays an important foundation for healing together.
You Are Not Alone in This
I understand where you’re coming from. I had vaginismus for 8 years and my marriage was so affected by it. It was lonely, it was frustrating, and it was heartbreaking. It felt so hard to understand each other. But here’s the thing: going through painful sex is not normal or okay, and you don’t have to settle for a life where it’s just “your thing to deal with.” Many many women have walked this road (and healed from it!)
There are ways forward, and I’d love to help you find them. Let’s connect for a free 30-minute consultation call. You can share your story (no judgment here), and we can talk about what’s next for you. You deserve connection, pleasure, and intimacy—all without pain. Let’s leave the painful past where it belongs and start building the future you deserve.
If you’re ready to take the first step toward pain-free intimacy, let’s do this together. Check out the Mind-Body-Sex Reset Vaginismus Program, and see how it can help you rewrite your story with hope, joy, and healing!
Remember, your pain is valid. And with the right support and guidance, you can regain control, rebuild intimacy, and create a fulfilling sexual life.