For so many of us women who are healing from vaginismus, the hardest part is not just the pain. It’s control.
Control feels protective. It feels responsible. When you’ve lived in fear of pain, your instinct is to take charge of everything… your body, your progress, your emotions, even your partner’s reactions. It might feel like the only way to stay safe. But here’s the thing: the more you try to control healing, the more your body resists it.
True healing begins when safety no longer depends on control, but on trust. Trust in your body, in your partner, and in the process itself.
My Own Battle with Control
When I first learned I had vaginismus, I went into full problem-solving mode. I did everything.
I went to pelvic floor therapy every week.
I worked through my dilators with commitment and precision.
I made charts, tracked progress, and pushed myself to get it “right.”
I showed up to healing like it was a job I could excel at if I just worked hard enough. In my mind, if I controlled the process, every appointment, every exercise, every outcome, I would win this battle.
And on paper, I was doing great. I was working through those dilators and moving up in size. I felt hopeful.
But when it came time to transition from dilators to actual intimacy (a place where control no longer existed), everything fell apart.
My body froze. My muscles tightened. My heart raced. I panicked.
It was devastating. I had done everything “right,” but the very thing that helped me make progress in therapy was now what held me back in the bedroom. My body didn’t know how to feel safe without it.
What I didn’t know in that moment is that you can’t force safety. You can’t force trust. Healing vaginismus isn’t only about progress in therapy or dilators; it’s about retraining your body to let go, to surrender, to feel safe in the unknown.
When Control Shows Up
It isn’t always obvious. It doesn’t always look like being uptight or perfectionistic. Sometimes it wears the mask of responsibility, diligence, or strength. Sometimes, it looks like pushing through when you should slow down. Or achieving when you should rest.
In vaginismus healing, control might show up as:
- Needing every sexual encounter to go exactly as planned.
- Monitoring your body’s every reaction instead of staying present.
- Feeling anxious when your partner initiates because you didn’t prepare mentally.
- Wanting constant reassurance that you’re “doing it right.”
- Struggling to orgasm because your brain won’t stop analyzing what’s happening.
Each of these are subtle signs that control has taken over, not because you’re doing something wrong, but because your nervous system still believes that staying in charge is the only way to stay safe.
Helpful Indicators That Control Has Taken Over
So how can you tell when it’s is quietly running the show? Here are some ways it can sneak in:
- Your thoughts race before or during intimacy.
You find yourself overthinking every step: Is this the right position? Am I relaxed enough? Will this hurt? That inner commentary means your brain has taken over what your body needs to feel. - You feel disconnected from pleasure.
Control keeps you focused on “doing it right” instead of “feeling what’s real.” If pleasure feels distant or hard to sustain, it’s often because it’s keeping you from being present and blocking the flow of sensation. - You feel relief only when you’re “done.”
If the main feeling after intimacy is relief that it’s over, instead of connection or softness, control may have been driving. - You avoid spontaneity.
If intimacy, rest, or even fun have to be planned down to the detail, your nervous system may not trust uncertainty yet.
Recognizing these moments is not about shame. It’s about awareness. The moment you notice control, you’re already one step closer to releasing it.
Understanding the Root of Control
Control is your body’s protection mechanism. It appears when safety has been uncertain for too long. When your body experiences pain, fear, or violation, it learns that tensing, guarding, or planning ahead can prevent hurt. That strategy might have kept you safe once, but it doesn’t help you open to intimacy now.
Your goal isn’t to get rid of control. It’s to help your body learn that it no longer needs it to stay safe. That learning happens through gentle, consistent experiences of safety — times when you soften and nothing bad happens. Those moments slowly rewrite what your body believes.
Practicing Safe Surrender
Letting go of control doesn’t start in the bedroom. It starts in everyday life, in small, safe ways.
Try this:
- Let someone else lead. Let your partner or a friend choose the plan. Notice what rises up inside: the discomfort, the urge to intervene, and then try to breathe through it.
- Try something without over-preparing. Go for a walk without a podcast or a route. Order something new on the menu. Practice allowing surprise.
- Pause when you feel tension. During intimacy or stress, notice your shoulders, your jaw, your pelvic floor. If they’re gripping, take a slow breath out and whisper: It’s okay to let go. I am safe now.
Each time you practice releasing control in small ways, your body learns to associate letting go with safety, not danger.
Control and Trust
Letting go of control doesn’t mean losing power. It means shifting where your power lives.
Control says, “If I stay in charge, I’ll be okay.”
Trust says, “Even if I’m not in charge, I’ll be okay.”
This shift is the heartbeat of healing. The more you trust, the more your body opens. The more you open, the safer you feel. And that safety becomes the soil where intimacy and pleasure can finally grow.
The Deeper Invitation
Healing from vaginismus is not just a physical process; it’s also a spiritual one.
God never asked you to hold everything together. He invites you to trust that He is holding you. Letting go of control becomes an act of faith, not in your own effort, but in His steadiness.
When you stop striving to manage every outcome, you make space for something better than control: peace. As Isaiah 41:10 reminds us, “Do not fear, for I am with you.”
Your freedom doesn’t come from gripping harder. It comes from breathing, softening, and trusting that you are already safe.
✨ If you are ready to release control and discover intimacy rooted in trust, peace, and safety, click below to schedule a free consultation.
If painful sex has been a part of your story, we would love to come alongside you and help you through this healing journey. Not only do we aim to get our clients past painful sex, but we help them reinvent their intimate lives and invite safety, connection, and pleasure back into it. We would love to be able to hear your story and share with you how you can get past painful sex through our Mind-Body-Sex Reset Program.