Don’t Heal Your Vaginismus for Him, Heal it for Yourself.

In the realm of vaginismus, a condition that affects many women worldwide, it is natural to be drawn to the idea of healing solely for the sake of penetrative sex for your partner. The desire to engage in penetrative intercourse and experience a deeper connection with your loved ones is undoubtedly noble and compassionate. However, amidst this quest for true intimacy, it is essential to remember that true healing lies in prioritizing oneself. By shifting our focus from performance-based expectations to function-based healing, we open doors to empowerment, emotional well-being, and holistic progress that can profoundly transform our lives.

Healing from vaginismus requires personal agency and empowerment. Healing for oneself allows us to reclaim ownership of our bodies, freeing ourselves from the confines of societal expectations, marital/relational expectations, and external pressures. Choosing to heal for ourselves means taking control of the process, seeking treatments that align with our individual needs and desires, and fostering a positive mindset that emphasizes self-compassion and self-care. It’s about recognizing that we are worth the effort and investment required for our well-being.

When you place your purpose for healing in your partner’s pleasure, you place healing’s worth in your performance and his pleasure. This type of healing is other oriented and could potentially contribute to further disconnect and dissociation from your pelvic floor and it’s function.

While we appreciate the desire to please our partners through penetrative intercourse, we must also understand that such a singular focus may limit our perception of ourselves. By shifting our perspective from healing for the pleasure of another to healing for our own health and well-being, we open ourselves up to understanding our body, it’s needs, and it’s functioning better- and this is where we can find lasting and true healing. Healing from vaginismus becomes more than just overcoming a condition; it becomes a journey of embracing all forms of pleasure and intimacy that enhance our lives. The freedom of using tampons comfortably or undergoing gynecological exams without pain becomes a celebration of our body’s designed function and health. We shift the perspective from performance solely for him to our body’s ability to operate in full capacity to serve our own health & sexual needs.

In a society that often places immense emphasis on sexual performance, redirecting our focus to function liberates us from the pressure of societal expectations. Prioritizing bodies that function optimally and serve their design becomes a radical act of self-acceptance and self-love. Self-acceptance and self-love are apart of the foundation for us to be able to extend acceptance and love to others. When we elevate our own body’s ability to function and be healthy over serving another’s needs, we are better able to love others.

Healing your vaginismus so you can have penis-in-vagina sex isn’t a wrong motivation, if your motivation is for you to operate and function in your whole sexual capacity. But when your motivation to heal or perform is for another, then we limit our true ability to heal. We add undue stress to our healing by focusing on another’s opinions and measure of success.

It’s like losing weight to meet other’s expectations for you. If you lose weight for others, your measure of success if based on someone else’s judgement or opinion and your weight-loss journey will be externally focused and motivated. But if you lose weight for your own health, wellness, and desires, your journey will be focused on your health and healing needs. You’ll likely make progress in ways and areas you never envisioned.

Healing from vaginismus transcends the realm of physical recovery; it encompasses emotional and mental well-being as well. Acknowledging that every aspect of our being is interconnected empowers us to address any underlying emotional factors contributing to vaginismus. Confronting fears, anxieties, and past experiences that may have influenced the condition is an act of courage and self-discovery. It is through this holistic approach that we find a deeper understanding of ourselves and pave the way for profound transformation. When you’re focused on healing for someone else, we often miss the inner healing part and focus only on the performance aspect.

When you’re focused on healing for someone else, we often miss the inner healing part and focus only on the performance aspect

The journey of healing from vaginismus can be challenging and emotionally taxing. Setbacks and moments of frustration are not uncommon. However, by prioritizing ourselves, we can embrace self-compassion throughout this process. Recognizing that healing is a unique and gradual journey for each individual, we approach ourselves with kindness, patience, and understanding. It’s easier to offer yourself compassion, patience, and kindness when your motivation for success is internally driven. We add unhelpful timelines and expectations when our healing is externally driven, which negatively affect our vaginismus healing. Celebrating even the smallest victories becomes a way of acknowledging our strength and resilience. It is through self-compassion that we build the inner strength to persevere and thrive.

The transformative and empowering journey of healing from vaginismus is a deeply personal and courageous one. It is a journey that deserves to be embarked upon for oneself, not solely for the pleasure of a partner. By shifting our focus from performance-based expectations to function-based healing, we liberate ourselves from the conscious and subconscious pressures of others and embrace a perspective that encompasses our physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

As you embark on your own journey of healing, know that you are not alone. There is strength in seeking support and professional help along the way. Surrounding yourself with others who can offer authentic encouragement and support can help you on your healing path. Invite your partner in on YOUR journey, find support communities, and have a professional on your team.