Why your vagina isn’t showing up for you

Have you spent hours, or even months using dilators, seeing a pelvic therapist, or trying to even just achieve finger penetration?

Are you tired of reverse kegels, deep breathing, or tears in the bedroom?

I get it. You’ve done all that you’re supposed to. And I seriously applaud your dedication to your recovery. But if you’re like me, there’s something hindering your progress.

You’re not inviting your vagina to the party. You probably don’t want your vagina to come. I know I didn’t. I mean why would we?

Your vagina has probably caused you nothing but pain, shame, or worry. It’s either bleeding aggressively, causing you pain, begging to stop excessively on road trips for bathroom breaks, or locking your husband out. Maybe you’ve had UTIs or yeast infections… oh and don’t forget about that one time your vagina betrayed you with an impromptu day of bleeding… while you were on vacation wearing your favorite white dress.

So yeah, no wonder we don’t show our vaginas much love, they don’t exactly show us much love either. But the reality is, if you want your vagina to show up for you, you need to show up for your vagina. You need to develop a relationship with your vagina where you kindly remind her who is in control and that she is loved and valued. Once you re-establish a healthy relationship with your body, you’ll find you are better able to connect with a control your vagina’s response to penetration and sex.

As someone who’s struggled with vaginismus, a condition that causes involuntary muscle spasms in the pelvic floor, I know firsthand how frustrating it can be to feel disconnected from your own body. And if you’re like me, you might be overlooking a key factor in your recovery: your mindset.

When it comes to overcoming any kind of physical or sexual discomfort, our mindset matters more than we might realize. If we’re constantly at odds with our own bodies, viewing them as separate entities that we have to “fix” or “tame,” we’re likely to struggle with ongoing pain and discomfort.

On the other hand, if we can learn to cultivate a more compassionate, loving relationship with our bodies, we may find that the road to recovery becomes much smoother. This is particularly true when it comes to vaginismus, where feelings of fear, shame, and frustration can exacerbate physical symptoms.

So how can you start to reframe your relationship with your own body? Here are a few tips that can help you begin to build a more positive, loving connection with your vagina.

  1. Learn About Your Anatomy

One of the simplest, yet most powerful things you can do to connect with your body is to learn more about it. Start by finding anatomical diagrams or safe-for-work images of vulvas and vaginas online. Take note of the different parts, and try to appreciate the unique beauty of each woman’s anatomy.

You can also listen to podcasts or read books that explore sexual anatomy and function. This Kingdom Sexuality Ministry Podcast on anatomy is a great resource that breaks down the different parts of the vulva and vagina and how they work for both function and pleasure.

Finally, take the time to explore your own body. Set aside some private time in a comfortable, safe space, grab a hand mirror, and take a look. Try to identify the different parts you’ve learned about and note how they feel when touched. Try squeezing and relaxing your pelvic floor muscles, and see how they respond.

  1. Practice Gratitude

One of the best ways to cultivate a more positive relationship with your body is to practice gratitude. Instead of focusing on what’s not working, take the time to acknowledge what is.

Try writing down three things you’re grateful for about your vagina each day. These could be specific things like “I’m grateful that I can experience pleasure without needing penetration,” or more general statements like “I’m grateful that my vagina is capable of healing.” The important thing is to focus on the positive and express gratitude for what your body is capable of.

  1. Nurture Your Vagina

If you’re experiencing vaginismus or other forms of sexual discomfort, it’s important to take the time to nurture your body. This might include doing manual release exercises, practicing pelvic floor relaxation techniques, or using dilators to gradually desensitize your body to penetration.

The Mind-Body-Sex Reset program is a great resource that can guide you through these practices and help you build a more positive relationship with your body. By taking the time to nurture your vagina and connect with its needs, you may find that you’re better able to overcome physical symptoms and feel more confident and empowered in your sexuality.

Ultimately, the key to building a more positive relationship with your vagina is to focus on love and compassion. Rather than seeing your body as something that needs to be “fixed,” try to view it as a complex, beautiful organism that’s worthy of your care and attention.

So try inviting your vagina to the party. Nurture her, pamper her in love, and show up for her and you might just find her showing up for you too.

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