Vaginismus is a protective reflex. Pelvic floor muscles tighten against penetration to keep you from getting hurt. When that reflex switches on, your body stops feeling like a safe place to live. Touch, pelvic exams, and even the idea of sex can trigger bracing, burning, or panic. This is protection, not failure. It is your […]
Sometimes the things you’re calling healthy in your sex life are actually just survival strategies wearing a nicer outfit. They sound mature. They sound selfless. They honestly sound healthy. But underneath, they can quietly create distance, resentment, pressure, or fear in your marriage. If you’ve dealt with vaginismus, pelvic pain, anxiety, trauma, purity culture pressure,
He initiates with desire. He feels excited, open, and ready. His body surges with love and hormones. He takes a risk and reaches for you. You take in the same moment, and your body tightens. Intimacy does not feel safe. Anxiety rises. Your pelvic floor grips. You feel heat or stinging and a rush of
Responsive vs Spontaneous Desire with Vaginismus Read More »
If the word “pap smear” makes your stomach drop, you are not alone. I used to feel dread for days. My thoughts raced. My body braced. I worried I would freeze on the table and leave in tears. That used to be my story. Today I am healed and I have completed several pap smears
Pap Smears Without Panic: 5 Reasons They Feel Scary and How Safety Is Possible Read More »
Learn how releasing control can transform vaginismus healing. Find safety, trust, and freedom instead of feeling like you have to control your healing journey.
Breaking the Control Trap: Why Trying So Hard Keeps You Stuck in Vaginismus Read More »
There’s always pressure to progress with dilating. There’s the pressure you put on yourself. The pressure to do everything “right.” The pressure to move up instead of size down. The pressure you feel from letting down your partner one too many times. The pressure you feel as you think about kids or see your married
Why It’s a Powerful Healing Step to Size Down Your Dilator Read More »
When your husband’s desire feels selfish, it can stir up shame, pressure, or even resentment—but what if it was never meant to feel that way? This piece gently reframes desire as a vulnerable act of love, not a demand, showing how intimacy can become safe, mutual, and deeply sacred again. If you’ve been carrying dread or guilt around sex, this will help you breathe again—and see that God’s design for intimacy was always a gift, never an obligation.
When Your Husband’s Desire Feels Selfish, Remember God’s Design Read More »
Hi, I’m Jess, I’m a trauma-informed pelvic floor occupational therapist who spent the first eight years of her marriage wondering why sex, something that was supposed to be beautiful and bonding, felt like hitting a brick wall. Literally. And let me answer the question I get all the time: Is painful sex all in your
Is Painful Sex All in Your Mind? Here Are Three Ways to Tell Read More »
Avoidance. It’s the quiet, familiar shadow that follows so many of us on the vaginismus journey. We avoid dilators.We avoid gynecologists.We avoid intimacy.We avoid talking about it.And after a while, we even start to avoid ourselves. Avoidance feels safe, at least at first. It gives a temporary sense of relief, a momentary escape from dread,
When Avoidance Feels Safer Than Healing: Why It Happens and 5 Ways to Move Through It Read More »
Perfectionism. Pressure. Comparison. These three patterns show up again and again in vaginismus healing. They aren’t just “bad habits” or negative thoughts — they actively shape how your body feels, how safe your nervous system becomes, and how open your body is to intimacy. When you learn to recognize them and gently respond differently, you
The Truth about Perfectionism, Pressure, and Comparison in Vaginismus Healing Read More »
When we start feeling pain during sex, we are tempted to push through and often end up faking it. And when this happens repeatedly, sex becomes something the body learns to brace for. We often say ‘yes’ when our bodies want us to say no. We smile even when our body is tense or hurting.
We’ve all heard (or said) it before: “I just have low libido.” “Our sex drives are just really different.” “I don’t have any desire for sex like he does.” “I don’t really get aroused.” It’s easy to assume that these statements are just the natural differences between men and women when it comes to intimacy.
Do You *Actually* Have a Low Libido? The Truth About Libido in Women Read More »
As a husband, learning how to encourage and support your wife through painful sex (often called vaginismus) can feel like an overwhelming challenge. It’s not easy seeing someone you love struggle with discomfort, frustration, and fear, and knowing the right way to approach these sensitive issues can often be confusing. But your role in this
3 Ways to Encourage and Support Your Wife Through Painful Sex: A Husband’s Guide Read More »
Intimacy in marriage is a gift from God, designed to bring a husband and wife together in a deep, physical, and emotional connection. But what happens when you just don’t feel like being intimate? When it starts to feel like an obligation rather than a joy? When it seems like your body is just a
When you feel like your body is just a vehicle for his pleasure Read More »
Let’s be honest, discussing painful sex with your spouse kinda feels like stepping into an emotional minefield… You worry about disappointing your spouse, feel unsure if your pain is “normal,” and even struggle with guilt for bringing it up at all. It’s an incredibly vulnerable conversation—one that can stir up fears of rejection, misunderstanding, or
3 Ways to be Compassionate and Confident when Discussing Painful Sex with Your Spouse Read More »
If you’ve ever had to deal with explaining vaginismus to an outsider, you’ve probably had a moment (or a hundred) where someone’s reaction to it made you want to scream into a pillow. The blank stares, the awkward silences, the gems like, “Maybe your hymen hasn’t torn yet” (like what?) or “Just relax and use
Have you ever felt trapped in cycles of negative thoughts or behavior? We’ve all been there. One tiny trigger—an awkward conversation about intimacy, a hug that felt like it might lead to more—and suddenly, your thoughts and feelings are spiraling. It’s not just frustrating; it’s exhausting. For those dealing with vaginismus, these cycles of negativity
Letting Go of Negativity: How to Stop Feeling Stuck in your Thoughts Read More »
Experiencing pain or discomfort during penetrative sex can be incredibly frustrating and isolating. Whether it’s vaginismus, a tight pelvic floor, vulvodynia, or any other pelvic floor dysfunction, the physical pain can often lead to a cascade of emotional and relational consequences. What starts as some pain or discomfort can lead to impaired sexual desire, difficulty
Dilators, sometimes called Vaginal Trainers, are graded cylindrical tubes that are used for those experiencing vaginismus to help retrain the vaginal wall muscles to better accept and respond to insertion. They’re not primarily used to stretch out the vagina (although they can be used for this purpose with a few physiological conditions, of which vaginismus
Which is Better- Plastic or Silicone Dilators? Read More »
Maybe you’ve recently received a formal diagnosis from your gynecologist, maybe you just got married and discovered sex wasn’t possible, or maybe you’ve been battling painful sex for years and just recently realized after years of pain that there’s a name for this – vaginismus. Whatever your situation, take a moment to breathe. You’re not
The First 5 Things You Must Do if you Have Vaginismus Read More »
The gynecologist’s office – for those of use with vaginismus, this can be a place often associated with fear, pain, and dread. We’ve all heard the horror stories, and for some, we’ve even experienced it. Between the infamous stirrups, the crisp paper gown, and the ominous cold metal speculum, it seems more like a scene
6 Ways to Tackle the Gynecologist when You Have Vaginismus Read More »
If you have vaginismus or painful sex, you know that its quite a challenge to get past this. Despite your best efforts, your breaks, your specialists, and endless pelvic floor therapy, you’re still struggling to break free. Part of the reason for this struggle is the frustrating vicious cycle that takes place behind the scenes.
Stopping the Vicious Cycle of Vaginismus Read More »
Living with vaginismus often means becoming intimately acquainted with dilators. There’s a bit of a love-hate relationship there (well, truly a hate-hate relationship until you finally heal). Many of us spend countless hours, perhaps even months, on a single size, feeling the frustration of what seems like no progress at all. I’ve been there, stuck
Slow Progress doesn’t Mean You’re Stuck Read More »
Dilators and vaginismus – two words that often evoke frustration and discomfort. If you’re on the journey of overcoming vaginismus, you’re likely familiar with the mixed emotions that come with using dilators. They come in a set, each size hinting at progress, yet the comparison can trigger anxiety about how “small” your current dilator is
The Biggest Mistake You Can Make with Dilators Read More »
Intimacy can be wildly frustrating at times, especially for a woman. Society and culture make it seem like sex should be naturally desirable and enjoyable. And for many of us, we used to have so much desire and strong sex drives, then we got married or experienced some discomfort and BAM! We no longer really
3 Reasons Sex is Not-So Enjoyable for You Read More »
The holiday season is a time for joy, celebration, and togetherness, but for those managing vaginismus, it can also present unique challenges. The decision-making process around whether to continue dilating during the holidays when your Great Aunt Ruth is around doesn’t have to be stressful. But maintaining a stress-free mindset is going to be key
Vaginismus, your Great Aunt Ruth, and the Holidays Read More »
Vaginismus, a condition characterized by involuntary muscle contractions of the vaginal wall muscles, can be quite frustrating to manage. While the path to overcoming this condition is often characterized by determination and patience, something like a menstrual cycle can get in the way of this. One of the more frequent questions I get asked is
An Ultimate Guide to Dilating During Your Menstrual Cycle Read More »
Vaginismus, a condition characterized by involuntary muscle contractions of the pelvic floor, is often shrouded in misconceptions and misunderstanding. These myths can perpetuate stigma and hinder those affected from seeking proper help and support. Let’s dismantle these misconceptions and shed light on the nuanced and multifaceted reality of vaginismus. Myth 1: Vaginismus is rare. Reality:
8 Common Myths Surrounding Vaginismus Read More »
For many women who face vaginismus, the challenges they encounter go far beyond their pelvic floor response. There is an unseen and often unacknowledged impact of vaginismus on the body, mind, and soul that can leave a woman feeling defeated beyond her understanding. The problem with our ‘typical’ approach Many women who experience vaginismus are
The Unseen and Unacknowledged World of Vaginismus Read More »
I’ve said it myself and I hear my clients say it all the time “I’d be perfectly content to go the rest of my life without ever having sex again.” For those who’ve faced vaginismus or painful sex, this statement is all too relatable and understandable. Why would we want to participate in something that
How To Restore Intimacy When You’re Okay with Never Having Sex Again Read More »
I have found that vaginismus, a condition characterized by involuntary vaginal muscle contractions, often follows a typical pattern for presentation. I’ve noticed a striking correlation between vaginismus and high-functioning women. They’re often goal-oriented, and achievement-driven. They like a good habit tracker and are often people-pleasers. They love a challenge, but also might experience some anxiety.
The Striking Correlation Between Vaginismus and the High-Functioning Woman Read More »
One of the hardest truths for me to believe about myself was that I am a sensual, sexual woman, and God sees this as good. But healing from this distorted view of my sexual design allowed me to progress in healing from vaginismus. Unfortunately ideas like purity culture have perpetuated the idea that sensuality is
God designed you to be a sensual, sexual woman. And He said that it “was good” Read More »
Living in a world dominated by individual progression, accomplishments, daily routines and demands, distracts us from the basic art of feeling our feelings. But what if unlocking this basic emotional skill could hold the key to alleviating whole body tension and even triumphing over conditions like vaginismus? There is an intricate interplay between the nervous
How Feeling Your Feelings can Fuel Your Vaginismus Recovery Read More »
There is an amazing and profound interplay between our body’s physical sensations, emotional responses, and vaginismus. Visceral afferents, often overlooked but crucial, serve as the messengers of this intricate relationship. By discreetly transmitting signals from our internal organs to our brain, they offer insight into a deeper understanding of emotions and the means to regulate
The Amazing Link Between Your Body’s Signaling System, Your Emotions, & Vaginismus Read More »
Vaginismus, a condition characterized by involuntary pelvic floor muscle contractions, can be a challenging journey towards recovery. For those who’ve battled it for any length of time, we know there are periods of great and encouraging progress, but we’re also painfully aware of those inevitable regression periods. When setbacks arise, they create vulnerable moments of
3 Ways to Handle a Set-Back in your Vaginismus Recovery Read More »
In the pursuit of effective and comprehensive healing from vaginismus, a nervous system based biopsychosocial approach provides the holistic and lasting healing that can often be missing from traditional vaginismus treatment plans. This approach recognizes the intricate interplay between the nervous system, the brain, the environment, and pain perception, leading to sustainable relief and long-term
As a loving partner or husband, your role in supporting your wife’s healing journey from vaginismus is invaluable. You are a valuable support system that can come beside her in her recovery and offer her the support, love, and encouragement she needs to keep persevering in this. One crucial aspect of the vaginismus journey is
6 Practical Tips to Better Support Your Partner on Her Vaginismus Journey Read More »
Psychological safety has a profound impact on your vaginismus recovery, influencing your dilator routine, your relationship with your partner, and, most importantly, your relationship with yourself. Understanding and fostering psychological safety can create an environment of acceptance, respect, and emotional security, supporting your healing process in profound ways. Psychological safety entails experiencing a sense of
3 Ways to Foster Psychological Safety to Enhance your Vaginismus Recovery Read More »
In the realm of vaginismus, a condition that affects many women worldwide, it is natural to be drawn to the idea of healing solely for the sake of penetrative sex for your partner. The desire to engage in penetrative intercourse and experience a deeper connection with your loved ones is undoubtedly noble and compassionate. However,
Don’t Heal Your Vaginismus for Him, Heal it for Yourself. Read More »
When it comes to sexual pain, there’s more than meets the eye. Many women come to me uncertain of whether they’re facing Pelvic Floor Hypertonicity or Vaginismus. Understanding these distinct yet connected conditions can help us navigate potential challenges and empower us to seek the right care. Now of course, getting professionally examined for sexual
Is my Sexual Pain from Vaginismus or a Hypertonic Pelvic Floor? Read More »
Vaginismus can be a deeply distressing and often misunderstood condition affecting many women. Despite the strong desire to heal and overcome vaginismus, some women may find their progress hindered. There are three main reasons why your vagina may be reluctant to heal from vaginismus and understanding these obstacles can shed light on the complexities of
3 Reasons Why Your Vagina is Reluctant to Heal from Vaginismus Read More »
Dealing with vaginismus can be a challenging and sometimes frustrating journey. It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed, discouraged, and lacking motivation along the way. Factors such as a fear of failure, the repetitive nature of the work involved, and the lack of external accountability due to the private nature of the condition can all contribute
6 Practical Ways to Stay Motivated on Your Vaginismus Journey Read More »
When you have vaginismus, intimacy can be a drag. If you’re like I was, you may constantly feel like you’re lacking or doing “consolation prize” sex. However, it’s essential to remember that sexual intimacy encompasses a wide range of experiences beyond penetrative intercourse, all are equally validating and enjoyable (some are much more enjoyable than
Exploring Alternative Paths to Pleasure for Those with Vaginismus Read More »
If you have a history of painful sex or vaginismus, finding pleasure and arousal can be a challenge. But a fun way to help your nervous system switch into arousal mode is to spend some time engaging with your body’s specific erogenous zones. When it comes to pleasure, our bodies are a treasure trove of
Is Vaginismus Curable? The Short Answer is Yes. For anyone who has been facing vaginismus for some time, the idea that there is a cure for this condition may seem too good to be true. However, with the right strategies, accountability, and approach you can heal from vaginismus once and for all. The problem with
Is Vaginismus Curable? Read More »
Purity culture, prevalent in Christian communities, places an excessive emphasis on sexual abstinence and the significance of virginity before marriage. However, this movement often distorted the true essence of Christian ethics and identity. There are many myths perpetuated by purity culture, more than we can cover in a blog post. But here are some of
Breaking free from purity culture: Embracing the gospel-centered View Read More »
Neuroplasticity, the remarkable ability of our brains to rewire and reshape themselves, holds the key to your vaginismus healing and transformation. It shatters the belief that we are bound by limitations or past experiences, offering us the possibility to create new pathways, forge positive connections, and redefine our relationship with vaginismus. Neuroplasticity has a profound
Leveraging neuroplasticity for your vaginismus journey Read More »
Have you ever wondered what happens in our bodies during sexual activity? A fascinating study conducted by Cindy M. Meston and published in The American Journal of Cardiology offers valuable insights into the role of our nervous system in sexual arousal. In this article, we’ll explore the complex dance between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous
The Inner Workings of Sexual Arousal: How our Nervous System Reacts Read More »
Empowering women to embrace a fulfilling intimate life and reclaim their sexual well-being is a cause that resonates deeply with me. As someone familiar with the challenges presented by vaginismus, I am acutely aware of a significant hurdle that often accompanies this condition: vaginal dissociation. The very notion of disconnecting from a part of ourselves
Understanding & Recognizing Vaginal Dissociation Read More »
Unlocking the secret to a strong and resilient pelvic floor is like embarking on an exhilarating adventure. As a pelvic floor & vaginismus enthusiast, I’m frequently asked, “What’s the ultimate exercise for the pelvic floor?” Prepare to be amazed because the answer lies in something as natural as breathing. Forget the usual suspects like yoga
Unleash Your Pelvic Power: The Art of Breath for a Vibrant Pelvic Floor Read More »
The vagus nerve has been gaining attention in recent years as researchers continue to uncover its importance in regulating bodily functions and maintaining overall health. This nerve, also known as the wandering nerve, is the longest nerve in the body and is responsible for a wide range of functions, including communication between the brain and
Why your vagus nerve is the key to your vaginismus recovery Read More »
Happy Vagina Awareness Day! Today is the day to celebrate and appreciate one of the most important parts of our bodies: the vagina. Despite being an essential organ for female health and sexuality, vaginas are often shrouded in shame and taboo. But there’s so much more to this amazing part of our anatomy than meets
A celebration of all things vagina! Read More »
Pelvic wands have become increasingly popular as a tool for managing pelvic pain and dysfunction. A pelvic wand is a medical tool used for self-care or by healthcare professionals to alleviate pain or discomfort in the pelvic region. It is designed to be inserted into the vagina and has different end points that can be
Using pelvic wands to manage pelvic pain and dysfunction. Read More »
Did you know that your jaw and pelvis are connected? It may sound strange, but recent research suggests that there is a strong link between tension in the jaw and tension in the pelvis. Understanding this connection can be a powerful tool in managing chronic pelvic pain and vaginismus. The deep front line is a
What your pelvis wants you to know about your jaw. Read More »
If you’re struggling with vaginismus, it’s essential to know that you’re not alone, and help is available, even if you’ve found getting help to be laborious, elusive, or impossible. Vaginismus is a common condition that affects many women, making it difficult or painful to have sexual intercourse or undergo gynecological examinations. However, one of the
The surprising effectiveness of online vaginismus programs Read More »
Vaginismus is a condition where the vaginal muscles involuntarily contract, making penetration during sexual activity, gynecological exams, and even tampon insertion painful or impossible. It can have a significant impact on a woman’s physical, emotional, and sexual well-being. While dilating is a common treatment for vaginismus, it may not be enough to help women recover
Why you should add a holistic mind-body approach to your vaginismus recovery Read More »
The nervous system plays a crucial role in regulating the body’s stress response and maintaining overall health. A dysregulated nervous system can lead to increased stress levels and a variety of physical symptoms, including gastrointestinal (GI) distress and vaginismus. In this article, we will explore the connection between a dysregulated nervous system, low-lying stress, and
The common link between GI distress and vaginismus Read More »
Sexuality within marriage is a topic that has been overlooked or miscommunicated by the church for a long time, leading to stigmatization of sex and a lack of education and understanding of sexuality as a whole. However, the Bible speaks incredibly positive about sex in the context of marriage and views it as a gift
God’s design for sexuality and how we’ve messed it up Read More »
Have you spent hours, or even months using dilators, seeing a pelvic therapist, or trying to even just achieve finger penetration? Are you tired of reverse kegels, deep breathing, or tears in the bedroom? I get it. You’ve done all that you’re supposed to. And I seriously applaud your dedication to your recovery. But if
Why your vagina isn’t showing up for you Read More »
If you are experiencing pain or discomfort during sex or are finding it difficult to insert a tampon or undergo a pelvic exam, you may be wondering what the heck is going on. Maybe your doctor mentioned the word vaginismus, but didn’t offer you much information on what it is or how to go about
Everything you need to know about vaginismus Read More »
As patients, we entrust our healthcare providers with our bodies, our health, and our well-being. But too often, we are let down by the very people we turn to for help. This is absolutely appalling and unacceptable. Every one has the right to consent to and be treated with dignity and respect – without pain
You decide how and when your body is touched, not your doctor Read More »
I know that your journey with vaginismus can be incredibly challenging, and I want you to know that you are not alone. Many women have struggled with this condition, and the good news is that there are many ways to build and develop resilience during your healing journey. In this blog post, I will be
Building resilience in your vaginismus journey Read More »
Positive psychology is a rapidly growing field that focuses on developing positive psychological states such as happiness, fulfillment, and well-being. One way to achieve these states is through mindfulness, which involves being fully present and engaged in the current moment. The Mindfulness-to-Meaning Theory suggests that mindfulness can lead to greater meaning and purpose in life,
Positive psychology, mindfulness-to-meaning, & vaginismus Read More »
Dilators are often used to treat vaginismus. It’s the “gold standard” intervention to get your vagina to cooperate, but the process can be challenging, frustrating, and well, boring for most. It is essential to have a positive and engaging attitude towards using dilators, as it can significantly impact the healing process. For many women with
Keeping a positive attitude while dilating Read More »
Breathing. I’m sure you’re a little tired of everyone always telling you to focus on breathing to help your body relax.I used to get so annoyed by this. “I know how to breathe! I breathe everyday and I’m pretty good at it! Heck I’m even a running so I probably have better breathing than most!”
Why breathing is more than just air in your lungs Read More »
The human body is a complex and fascinating entity. It has the ability to store and stash away negative perceptions and experiences at a cellular level. When we experience a negative event or emotion, our body reacts and adapts to it in a physiological manner. This can include changes in muscle tension, heart rate, and
Negative perceptions and their effect on the body Read More »
As a woman, it can be challenging to understand our body’s unique sexual response. For those with vaginismus, this difficulty is even more pronounced. Vaginismus is a condition where the muscles around the vagina involuntarily contract, making it painful or impossible to engage in sexual activity. One aspect of this condition is the impaired ability
Vaginismus can impair your ability to sense arousal. Read More »
Vaginismus is a complicated beast to treat and recover from. It involves so many of our body’s systems- our biomechanical, neurological, psychological, and emotional systems. Being able to recognize and listen to the subtle signals these systems are using to communicate with each other and ourself is key to overcoming vaginismus. Interoception is a major
3 Interoceptive strategies to help in your vaginismus recovery Read More »
